Currently Playing We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes By Death Cab for Cutie see related

"I'd squeeze a heart through my fingertip, but I type too slow to make expressions stick, and it't like TV without a microchip.. So set your sights to sink the partyline, cause it's so tired.. Set your sights! Destroy this mock shrine cause it's so tired. Lets cut our losses at both ends and aim your car away from all our freinds.. Leaving the dishes stacked in the sink.."(Deathcab)

I woke up feeling almost normal.. I almost have a job.. going to the city tomarrow for the interveiw.. which means i have to be up at like 7am, but whatever. I'm not quite sure exatly where I will be working but I do know it's in Melville which means I gotta go buy a car this weekend, I'll be doin light cleaning and I'll be makeing between 10-12$ an hour.. so, yea.. great..On the downside, my great aunt Fran passed on today after having a heart attack.. However, she was 85, so this is more like the cycle of life occuring rather than a tragedy.. Not to say she won't be missed.. She will.. She was a sweethear.. unfortunately too nice for her own good though. Well, thats because for the last 24 years she's let my cousin push her around, mentally and physically so I do feel some anger and guilt because of that.. But everything happens for a reason.. It was her time..All I know is I never want to get old... I'll be happy if I grow until I"m 22 or 23 maybe and stay like that forever. But, I gotta run.. peace.

I've been doing a lot of thinking(like always).. and I really need to stop playing games and do what I need to do.. All the mistakes I've been makeing are because I having been prioitizing properly and I haven't been living in the here and now..So this is what I need to do.. I need a job... Ideally, I want to get a job to satisfy my need  for acheivement.. Something I can advance and move up in... But if it came down to it, I could live with a mediochre job for now, as long as I could gat a new hobby that cauld somehow spell out success for me in one way or another.. I could always continue to pursue my modeling/acting carreer on the side easily.. I just want to do something more intellectually stimulating with myself on the side...ill write more later..

"I saw the future once.. I was drunk in a phone booth.. My eyes were wept and red, but I could not tell what was said.. And through the screams of the traffic.. Voices carried..Saying "I'm sorry".. On a day so grey it's black inside watching churches on TV, in a coma you don't dream..You just hope that someone sits with you.. Babies turn blue and they're ignored like a sky on summer days and then you turn and walk away..And its changes you.. So tonight to compensate.. I will poison myself.. Another coughing shaking fit in a bathroom.. that is spinning... and close the door and I rest my head on the tile floor.. Sickness and sleep turning me cold..And I'm still not sure if theres a better place I could be heading towards.. The selfishly sick and self absorbed... are welcome."

Well, I'm really not good with the whole computer thing, but whatever. This weekend was extremely rough. I was going to go into detail but I'm going to spare the details.. My father came home on friday after I almost od'd myself and found a cap and emty baggies and he kicked me out. Meanwhile my boyfreind was mad at me because I didn't save him any junk. That night we ended up stealing and selling books to make money and we ended up spending it all on junk and sleeping at penn. Then we  pretty much did the same thing the next day. By that night we had about 100, and hotel is 80 so we were going to make more money. Then DM called and she said I could stay by her if I needed to. So I told my boyfreind that I might stay at her place tonight. He got upset with me because he took it as I made plans with her and I was ditching him. So we proceeded to argue over everything. To make a long story short, he ended up breaking up with me because I always seem very "preoccupied" and I he thought I cared more about dope than I did about him, which is nott true. I was in hysterics for the entire night. The train conductors didnt even ask me to pay for my train ticket because I was so upset. So I ended up staying at DMs boyfreinds house that night and we were completely confined to that room because his mother has a problem with him having people over. Let me skip to whats going on today. Most of my freinds are messed up so I'm pretty much just staying at home to keep myself out of trouble. My stomach has been killing me for days.. I don't even really know why. I'm just hoping it will pass and it's nothing serious. y boyfreind and I are trying to work things out for now, but I guess techinically we're not together and it's killing me. I've never felt this way for anybody ever and I doubt I ever will again or anytime soon at least. I mean it takes a lot for me to even be attracted to a guy. My gut is telling me that this isn't right. That we should work this out dispite the fact that we're both trying to stay clean. But my hand are tired, so I'll finish this up later.